"What are you doing out here?" Stevie asks.

"Waiting for big Gary. I don't wanna be inside when your dad comes out of the bathroom. It always stinks."

"That's my dad," Stevie says, "and the trailer. You can smell everything in there. And hear everything. It's gross."

Stevie laughs and makes fart noises under his armpits. Little Gary and my brother Bobby run out of the trailer.

"Normaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Bobby yells.

"Shut up. Don't call me that!" I say.

The boys all laugh and chant, "Norma, Norma, Norma." I cover my ears.

"Boys, cut it out if you want to shoot this rifle," big Gary says. He throws his cigarette to the ground and steps on it. "You don't treat girls that way."

The boys stand around big Gary, holding out their hands for the shotgun.

"I wanna go first," I say.

"It's my daddy's shotgun," little Gary says.

"He's my daddy too," Stevie says and then punches little Gary's stomach. Gary tackles Stevie and Stevie bites Gary's ear. Bobby and I watch big Gary laugh while pulling them apart.

"Boys, settle down now or we're not gonna do this," big Gary says. We all get quiet because we know this is the last warning before the belt comes out.

"I want to go first, Daddy," Stevie says.

"I'm going first to show you kids how to fire this gun. Then Jeannie will go because she came here to be like a boy. Right, Jeannie?"

"You guys have more fun than all the girl cousins," I say.

"Now it's your turn to have some fun. You'll go first. Then Bobby, little Gary and Stevie, in that order."

Big Gary shows us how to hold the gun and lets each of us hold it. The shotgun feels heavy. "Hold the stock against your shoulder, Jeannie," big Gary says.

I try really hard to hold it up and straight but I can't quite point where I want.

"That's right," he says and takes the gun. He clicks something at the top of it and the gun snaps in half.

"Did you break it?" I ask.

"No, this is how you load the shotgun." He pulls out something that looks like a lipstick tube and puts it in the shotgun.

"That doesn't look like a bullet. Is there a bullet inside of there?" The boys laugh at me.

"There are lots of bullets in here, Jeannie. That's why you use a shotgun. When you fire it, lots of little bullets come out. More likely to hit what you're shootin' at." He grins, clicks the shotgun shut and points it at me. I duck and put my arms over my head. They all laugh.

Before I stand up, Big Gary points the shotgun into the woods and fires. The sound makes it feel like the bullets hit me and my head cracks open. It's not at all like TV guns. Big Gary fires again and then I can't breathe. I start to cry. He shoots one more time, reloads the shotgun and hands it to me.

"Here, take the gun, Jeannie."

"Come on, Jeannie, take it. Don't be a sissy," Big Gary says.

I run inside, slam my bedroom door and lock it. I'm glad I'm a girl and have my own room.

"Get out here you big sissy," Big Gary yells through the door.

He calls me other names but I don't think I'm allowed to say those words. I can't stop crying. I don't want to be a sissy but I guess I am.