Excerpts From the Demon's Handbook

Inspired by Kathleen Norris's "Excerpts from the Angel Handbook"

Be careful how you show your horns—

there are some in the world who are not content

until the National Enquirer has paid them for your picture

You may find employment with the Internal Revenue Service

or with the New York Yankees

When you ride your bike wear tight Tour de France spandex

and always ignore traffic signs

When you cross at intersections look for old people to push into traffic

It will often be expedient to altogether remove your horns

from your head, where people will think first to look for them,

and carry them around inside you—

at such times be careful that your ears do not forget

and begin to imitate the pulsing on your head,

for if you foment fear, the FBI will be called

and you will only confuse the shaded agents

You will find that you are most free

when you can incite a fist fight

You will have a great fondness for techno music,

but be sure to hide your feet when listening to it,

for they will throb and force you to undulate embarrassingly

You must not listen to what people say

especially when they talk to you: this will involve

talking over your friends much of the time, and looking bored a lot

You will always tell a lie,

but you tell the truth when betraying a secret

At times it will seem that we have embraced you but

when people take you in, they have only done so to wrestle with you, and you will leave

their furniture wrecked

You are not especially alert to security but at times

you will sense an uncontrollable desire to scare others

to yell “Someone different! Someone different!”

as they rock in their hammocks

or their babies to sleep

You will meet some who wear their faces confidently,

who will tell you how it seems;

they are impervious to everything

These are your targets; they have Protection,

but think they can buy more: offer to sell them a home security system

Many things you do will seem strange to them:

remember their savage origins,

help them feel scarcity

As you find everything intolerable,

they will think you are a well-respected critic

Making decisions will be the place you can most meddle

and it will always be necessary to make promises you won’t keep

Their logic will make sense to you,

their mathematics especially pleasing and beautiful;

you are a master of division

For amusement, look at the picture books:

demons there have long pointy tails, ragged vests,

greasy black hair, and almost always are short and fat

You will meet some whose eyes are fearful,

as if they were once the Master’s servant:

these are your minions

you will adore your minions

and your betrayals, even though you are careful

to keep them hidden, will make those who trust you anxious:

they will not understand you wished to make love,

that you were made to make chaos.

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